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My Conflicting Feelings for MySelf…. Have you ever felt like this too? by Jenil Jariwala




There are days when I feel over the top and so much cheery, 
so so ecstatic, as if I’m literally on cloud nine….
And then there are some days which make me question my existence,
I live in so much self-doubt that I’m unable to make sense of,
Of me, my needs and my body, my thoughts and just everything about me…
I just don’t like myself, it’s quite demanding to elucidate all this you know and,
And still more awkward to make this confession… 
But I’ve made this choice to be true to myself about, 
About what I truly feel about my encounters.
On some days, I have perfect reasons to feel so elated or so gloomy but,
But on others I don’t even have a rational to feel what I’m feeling, 
Especially if it is not – so – pleasant, and then, 
It actually seems more logical to brush it under the carpet… 
For the fear of being judged and mocked and labelled an “idiot” and scatterbrained.
But then does that help? Well, for a while it does but,
But to be truly honest, it doesn’t, it only creates a whirlpool in my headspace.
But then how do I rationalise what I’m feeling and, 
And get validation from the human race… 
What if people around me think I’m silly, I’m being stupid…. 
That will only make me feel worse and question me more for what I’m feeling,
Making it almost impossible to acknowledge what I’m feeling,
And the world will simultaneously grill me for the same…
After-all, I’m answerable to them for my Being…
They make me and they break me….
Or is that what I’ve been conditioned to believe…
So, I’ve learnt to make my life easy-peasy…
It’s fairly less complicated when I don’t have to,
To explain and justify myself… Isn’t it! I’ll put on some masks and say I’m doing wonderfully awesome, 
And make myself believe it too...  Like the world says “Fake it till you make it”
But didn’t I make a vow to myself to be,
To be true to my experiences and not mislead myself…
Oucchhhh…. 
How complicated this really is and, 
And how much more complicated can this get?
May be depends on how much can I obfuscate it in my cranium.
Do you also feel like this too?
If you don’t then that’s truly impressive…. 
I’m so so happy for you..
But if you do otherwise then, 
Then I feel you…
Not that I’m unimpressed by you,
On the contrary, I,
I admire you for being candid to yourself,
It takes a lot of grit and mettle… 
That also brings me to ask you, 
How do you deal with it?
Do you believe in being true to yourself?
Or do you think it’s more imperative to,
To abide by the standards set by the society,
To not let them get a hint else,
Else all hell shall break loose,
And that will perhaps make your verve,
Noticeably “uncool” and,
And- not- so -happening….
I have made a preference now -
Cool or not-so-cool,
Happening or not- so -happening….
I choose to be,
To be honest to myself, 
To live for myself,
To be okay for not being okay,
To embrace my true feelings, even if they are seared…
I allow myself to dislike myself and,
And nonetheless,
Accept Myself unconditionally, 
Accept Myself unapologetically,
Accept Myself wholly,
Accept Me As I AM.  
I AM THAT I AM…………….. 
What about You?


~ Jenil Jariwala
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